Jim Gaffigan Pays His Kids To Draw Tour Posters

May 21, 2019

Jim pays his young children (in Monopoly money) to create promotional materials for his stand-up gigs.

TranscriptYOUR KIDS ARE DESIGNING YOUR -- BECAUSE YOU TOUR A LOT. YOU TOUR AROUND. YOU DO SHOWS. YOUR KIDS ARE DESIGNING YOUR TOUR POSTERS. THEY'RE ACTUALLY MAKING THEM. >> YES. I MEAN, WELL, WE DON'T HAVE A YARD. I LIVE IN NEW YORK CITY. SO I HAVE TO GIVE THEM SOME JOBS. RIGHT? I MEAN, THERE'S JUST -- SO I HAVE THEM DRAW THESE TOUR POSTERS. AND I PRETEND TO PAY THEM. >> HA HA! >> YOU KNOW, SIX OR SEVEN. THEY DON'T KNOW CURRENCY. >> WHAT DO YOU GIVE THEM, POKER CHIPS? >> MONOPOLY MONEY. >> HE TELLS THEM, DIRECT DEPOSIT. IT'S GOING INTO YOUR -- DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL GET IT. >> SOMETIMES I'LL GIVE THEM $5. BUT, YOU KNOW, THE POSTERS ARE PRETTY GOOD. >> LET'S SEE ONE. WHO DREW THIS ONE? WE'RE GONNA SHOW SOME. CROWD MEMBER: AW! >> I THINK THIS IS -- MIKEY DID THIS ONE. BY THE WAY, MICHAEL IS 37 YEARS OLD. >> HA HA HA! >> THAT'S THE OLDEST JOKE IN THE WORLD. NO. BUT MICHAEL DID THIS ONE. IS THIS THE ONE WHERE -- >> LOOK AT THE TOP! IT SAYS "IT'S JUST A SHOW." WHAT? THAT IS PROMISING THE -- SHOW BUSINESS IS ALL ABOUT PROMISING A LOT UP-FRONT. IT'S JUST A SHOW? >> IT'S NOT AN ENDORSEMENT NECESSARILY. BUT I DON'T KNOW WHAT WAS GOING ON BACK IN THE PICTURE. THERE'S PEOPLE PEERING IN. [LAUGHTER] >> I THOUGHT THOSE WERE SEVERED HEADS ON A SHELF. I THOUGHT THOSE WERE "GAME OF THRONES" SEVERED HEADS ON A SHELF. >> HA HA! IT'S LIKE THE GIRL HAS NO PERSONALITY OR WHATEVER THAT IS. BUT -- YEAH. NO. SO MUCH OF THE ART THAT MY CHILDREN DO COULD REALLY END ME UP IN JAIL. >> YEAH. LET'S LOOK AT THIS NEXT ONE. ONE OF YOUR CHILDREN DID THIS. UM... >> THIS IS PATRICK. >> PATRICK. THIS WEEKEND, IRVING TEXAS. >> YEAH. THEY CAN DO A POSTER FOR MONEY. I'LL WRITE ON A POST-IT NOTE THE NAMES OF THE CITIES. THAT ONE WAS IRVING, TEXAS, LAS VEGAS AND LONG BEACH. AND PATRICK DIDN'T INCLUDE VEGAS. AND HE ALSO -- HE LIKES MARSHMALLOWS. SO MARSHMALLOW WAS NOT ON THE SHOW. >> THE CLUB, THE D.J.? PEOPLE GOING WILL THINK MARSHMALLOW, THE CLUB, D.J., WILL BE IN YOUR SHOW? >> HE'S OPENING FOR ME. >> IT'S LIKE, I GET THESE POSTERS. I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TRYING TO SAY. I DON'T KNOW IF THAT WAS LIKE A CHRISTMAS TREE. THAT'S JUST, LIKE, THE SCRIBBLING OF A MADMAN, RIGHT? >> LET'S GET TO THIS ONE, BECAUSE THIS ONE DISTURBED ME A BIT. CROWD MEMBER: OH! >> THAT LOOKS LIKE JASON. THAT'S A JASON MASK. AND HE'S SAYING "YOU KILLED MY MOM." WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO ANYTHING WITH YOUR COMEDIAN SHOW? >> I DON'T KNOW. BY THE WAY, THERE'S A BIG JASON VOORHEES -- BIG JASON VOORHEES FANS. THEY'VE NEVER SEEN "FRIDAY THE 13TH." >> THEY HAVEN'T SEEN IT? >> THEY HAVEN'T. >> HOW DO THEY KNOW? >> I KNOW I'M LACKING AS A DAD. I SHOULD SHOW THEM. BUT THEY KNOW ABOUT IT FROM A VIDEO GAME, ROADBLOCKS. AND YOU'D THINK I WOULD BE LIKE, ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'VE GOT TO INVESTIGATE THIS THING WHERE THERE'S SERIAL KILLERS. BUT I'M, LIKE, OK, THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH. SO I DON'T KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON WITH ROADBLOCKS, BUT IT'S TEACHING MY CHILDREN ABOUT SERIAL KILLERS. >> MY DAUGHTER THE OTHER DAY TOLD ME, ALL MY FRIENDS JOKE ABOUT HOW YOU LOOK LIKE SLENDERMAN. HE'S A MURDERER! >> I GET TOLD I LOOK LIKE THANOS OR WHATEVER SO... YOU KNOW, LIKE BEING A DAD, LIKE THE CRAP I TAKE FROM MY KIDS, IT'S UNBELIEVABLE. LIKE WHEN I WAS GROWING UP, I WAS TERRIFIED -- MY DAD NEVER WENT TO A PARENT-TEACHER CONFERENCE. I DON'T THINK MY DAD EVEN KNEW I WENT TO SCHOOL. MY FATHER COULDN'T BE BOTHERED TO, LIKE, TURN HIS HEAD IF SOMETHING WAS HAPPENING BEHIND HIM. HE WOULD JUST BE LIKE, WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON BACK THERE? I DON'T KNOW IF HE COULDN'T TURN HIS HEAD OR IF IT JUST WASN'T WORTH THE EFFORT. HE WOULD BE, WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE? WE'RE CELEBRATING MY BIRTHDAY. [LAUGHTER]

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